


Instead of Sleeping I Wrote About Edelgard and Byleth Visiting the Cathedral

by HoroshoujoAi



Series: Slow Moments Between All That Chaos [7]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Angst, But only a little, Drabble, F/F, Grief filled Anger, Grief/Mourning, Mentions of non-specific character death, Romance, Sometimes when it rains you just wanna cry, They all are sad, and they are all struggling
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:00:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24811222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HoroshoujoAi/pseuds/HoroshoujoAi
Summary: In which Edelgard and Byleth both wade through their grievances after a loss neither of them expected.
Relationships: Edelgard von Hresvelg/My Unit | Byleth
Series: Slow Moments Between All That Chaos [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1449178
Kudos: 20





	Instead of Sleeping I Wrote About Edelgard and Byleth Visiting the Cathedral

**Author's Note:**

> Oops! I wasn't dead. Only sleeping. I thought I would add something to this series, since I felt I was still trash for Edelgard. 
> 
> I hope everyone is staying safe these days. This year has not been the easiest for anyone, I am sure. Be kind to others :)

The rain poured hard against worn rock and stone. It was by all accounts a drab and gloomy day - the dark skies did nothing for the already low morale of the army and Edelgard’s task force.

Even Hubert, stoic as ever, seemed to have a drop in his usually perfect stance beside the Emperor. The rain rapped against the glass windows of the Cardinal Room, and while Edelgard might have felt this was peaceful and relaxing at one point, it only seemed to worsen the mood she was in. After a few slow paced seconds of staring at her neat penmanship on a piece of parchment, she dropped her quill entirely, ignoring the splatters of ink that bled through the paper.

“Allow me to take some time alone, Hubert.” She spoke, her voice nearly hitched in her throat. Hubert did not respond, but instead opened the door for her Majesty before closing it behind her; leaving him within the confines of the Cardinal Room alone.

She couldn’t quite remember the steps she took down to the main hall. Perhaps she passed one or two familiar faces along the way. Perhaps she exchanged some thoughtless greetings. Perhaps the halls were empty, save for a lone woman haunting their weathered stones. There was no other thought in her head, save for the voice that told her to keep her image steady. Her posture was rigid, and her steps robotic- it was all she could do to not seem so...torn apart.

There had been losses up to this point. Soldiers on the field died every day, and every night they would return to haunt her nightmares. But those were the ones she was used to seeing. Now she saw a face so familiar to her, one she had spoken to years before with kindness and lighthearted laughter - bloodied and lifeless and slumped onto the floor with their weapon clattering beside them and it didn’t just haunt her at night in the confines of her dreams, but _every_ _ single _ _day_ when she had a moment of clarity. When her mind wasn’t so busy weighting the gains and losses of anything,  _ everything _ , it would replay the scene, over and over and over with a vivid likeness that betrayed the tears in her eyes that poured the moment the scene first transpired. It was no longer a nightmare, it was a living curse.

Edelgard didn’t even realize that she had stepped outside and stayed there - for Goddess knows how long, until she began shivering from how the rain felt against her face, how much _colder_ it made the armor she wore. How much _heavier_ everything felt. 

Despite the sudden awareness of her burden and the discomfort of everything clinging to her, she moved herself against the stone path, onto a worn bridge that would have let its passerby gaze into some picturesque expanse if it weren’t for the clouds or rain or fog. Each step felt heavier, the closer she got to the other side of the bridge; the looming structure gazing intently on its newest guest. 

She felt unworthy of stepping in, but she all the more felt some unbridled rage boil under her skin. Then there was the heavy, icy cool guilt that left her head cloudy and her mind in the same mild daze she had been in since the day before.

Her steps echoed when she stepped through the doors of the Cathedral; she preferred it over the overwhelming sound of rain, or the sound of nothing at all.

Then she saw her - sitting in a dusty pew in one of the middle rows, light mint hair that still unsettled her, reminded her of what caused her to stilt in anger for that brief moment walking in. She paused for a moment, the silence ringing in her ears at that very same breath.  The Professor had made no sound - no movement to gesture even her awareness - until Edelgard took one more step and watched her flinch. The sudden movement caused her to freeze again, and she watched as the Professor adjusted her position, her shoulders shuddering. 

Then, she spoke, “I had never been one to pray,” Her voice - a hollow sort of noise, so calming at one point to Edelgard, but now it felt as though it could shatter glass, “I wonder now if there is even something to pray to.”

Edelgard brought herself to the pew Byleth sat in, her mint hair rendering the look in her eyes invisible. The words were almost caught in her throat. Almost, “There is still something to pray to. A cause.”

“Is a cause something worth dying for?” Byleth spoke with her face still obscured, standing so abruptly that the pew bench scraped against the stone - an unsettling noise that made Edelgard’s teeth rattle, “Does a cause justify turning people against each other?”

Edelgard stood her ground, despite how much she had been trembling. It was a miracle and a half that the armor did not clatter with her, "The Church has done worse things at higher costs. If we stopped at the first sign of sacrifice, we lose a lot more than people we care for now-“

“WHERE DO WE DRAW THE LINE THEN?” 

The voice echoes against the chamber. It made the whole structure rattle in a way that made Edelgard fear it would crumble on them. But it wasn’t what she was most afraid of. It was the eyes that bore straight into her - pale green mixed with blood shot red. Her eyes were surrounded with dark circles. She hadn’t slept. She had been crying. Of course she had been crying, a young life she was once responsible for was no longer here because of this war. It was the very same thing that had the Emperor rendered into a mere shell of what she should be - confident and readied and adamantly  _ believing _ in the revolution she began. It shook Edelgard to her very core. At no other point had she felt the need to abandon her cause until this very moment - when the woman she held most dear to her heart showed signs of breaking because of it. Not even when it made her nights sleepless or her head pound against her skull. It was simply because of this one woman suffering just as she was. But she knew she couldn’t abandon a war for one woman. It was selfish, and above all, she knew she couldn’t be that, not when the end would mean that everyone -  _ everyone _ , would be free from the chains of a corrupt ruling power. She was doing this so that no one else would suffer like she did, or Byleth did, or Dimitri, or anyone. 

She took a breath, then two, then three. The words were stumbling in her throat, but by some stretch of a miracle, they came out calmly, echoing against the chamber until they rang in her head like bells long since silent, “We draw lines after we erase the ones that divided us in the first place,” she took a step forward, her body trembling with every inch she grew nearer to the Professor, “I grieve every moment of every day for the people I lose because we erase these lines. It shackles my feet like no other grief. But I do not regret each step taken with their sacrifice, because they help make our cause a reality - a chance for us to build a future where no one would have to do the same.”

The Professor’s expression was unreadable, a mix of nothingness that Edelgard couldn’t dare unravel. Was it because she had been too exhausted to, or had she been in fear of what it meant as well? Whatever the case may be, it ended with the drop of her head, as she moved past Edelgard, heading for the doorway. That action did more than break her heart.

“Do not let it be in vain.”

* * *

There’d been a silence wedged between them, Edelgard noted depressingly, even after the weather cleared a few days after. Everyone seemed to have moved past their grief as much as possible, because it was agreed upon that time was of the essence, and grief must be set aside for a later date. If they all succumbed to their grievances, who knew how much time would pass before they were all properly ready to march forward? And that’s if opposing forces didn’t come to attack them while they acted as sitting ducks. It would have ended at plenty of losses, and Edelgard didn’t know how much more they could bear as is. 

So they kept their mourning for a different time, but that still did not help them, in terms of planning and strategy. Voices cluttered the Cardinal Room as Hubert and Ferdinand began debating the best tactic to surprise Faerghus territory with. Other inputs were given on occasion by other members of the Task Force, save for the silence of one particular Professor, who sat as far away from Edelgard as possible - as opposed to sitting right by her side like she did before. Dorothea would attempt to calm the others down, her worried glances toward Edelgard and Byleth not going unnoticed, but it largely ended in louder and louder voices clamoring over each other, pounding in Edelgard’s already exhausted head until her gauntlet slammed against the table, effectively quieting everyone. A moment of pure silence passed, that Edelgard, for once, greatly appreciated. It was Byleth’s flinching that reduced what would have been a look of relief into a small frown. 

“...I think it would be best for us to convene at a later time," she spoke, clear and confident like one would expect from a proper Emperor, "Let us call for a brief recess.” 

The Task Force, thankfully, agreed to this, the attendants of the meeting all filing out - including Hubert and Ferdinand. Byleth had left first, a stark change from how she would be the last to leave the meeting room. When the door shut behind the last person, Edelgard immediately slumped to the table, letting her face feel the impact of the hard surface. She let out a few sobs for good measure - just enough to get her through the rest of the meeting and enough to last her until she retired for the day.

Then she choked on a sob, the moment she heard the door open. She swallowed it, hard, and kept her head on the table, just to avoid the worried look from whoever had come in. Edelgard cleared her throat before speaking. 

And she spoke, cringing at how nasally it felt when she figured she couldn’t sniffle, “I’m sorry, Hubert, just give me a moment-“ 

“It’s not Hubert.” 

The voice sent a shock through her body, though not in the same way it sent her shaking through her heavy garments. It had only...moderately surprised her, that the Professor would speak to her after days of silence, and nigh unacknowledgement. 

Edelgard dare not move, not show her face, and so she stayed face down, voice muffled, “Professor...what is it that you need?”

“I wanted to, erm...talk,” her voice was barely above a whisper, and though Edelgard couldn’t picture the face Byleth could be making, it was certainly almost enough to coax her into taking a peek. Almost.

“Talk...about?” Edelgard spoke, muffled against the table. It had not been her intention to dance around the topic that was plain as day, but the mere presence of the Professor already had her trembling just a little, and she  _ hated _ that.

“I think you know well enough…” the Professor remarked, to further support Edelgard’s inner regret, “...please look at me, so that we may talk.”

Edelgard slowly lifted her head, not making a move to wipe the tears from her face, considering her gauntlets were still on. It felt strange to wipe them away like that.

But the thought was quickly washed away when she saw Byleth’s face contort. She felt her eyes scan her entire being, from her slumped posture, to the bags she knew were under her eyes, to the stray strands of hair that curled against her crown of horns. She knew she could see the fresh tears, maybe still flowing, maybe not. She had been numb for most of this. What was clear as day was the fresh look of sorrow on Byleth’s face; pity, even, one could call it. 

Finally, Byleth settled her gaze on her eyes, intense and full of more expression than her now relaxed face - though Edelgard could not find the energy to look into her intent stare and dissect it.

“I’m sorry for having yelled at you.” She spoke. Quietly, hesitantly. Small and soft and not at all like how she sounded in the cathedral days before. Her eyes couldn’t even look into Edelgard’s - they looked to the map, the papers, the quills, the torch sconces - everything but Edelgard’s eyes, “I had...it had been...it was- I was…”

She stumbled on words that were once calculated, calmly collected before spoken. She now had her eyes closed, Edelgard saw, not screwed shut, but enough that you could see the furrow in her brow, and the crinkles by her eyes, if you squinted. 

It hurt her, pained her just as much as it did in the cathedral, to see her strong teacher fumble like this. It reminded her that she, too, was human - even with all her strange traits.

Slowly, she degloved her hands, and placed them atop Byleth’s, who fluttered her eyes open in reply.

“It  _ was _ hard, Prof-...Byleth,” Edelgard murmured, “To lose someone we had been so close to...gone in the heat of battle…none of us had fully recovered from that, and still haven’t.”

Byleth only nodded, adjusting her hand so that her thumb could rub up and down against Edelgard’s. The Emperor chose to ignore the shivers it sent, “I can see the same goes for you, Emperor.”

Edelgard looked to her Professor, an apparent frown gracing her exhausted features. Edelgard abruptly removed her hands from that warmth to wipe her face, “I-I’m expected to keep a level head and calm exterior. Not everyone can let themself be clouded like that.”

“I do not expect it from you, Edelgard.” Byleth spoke without missing a beat, her voice solid, firm, and still so warm, “And I’m sure the others do not, as well. You’re human. A strong human with a passion like no other...but human nonetheless,” A hand rose to caress Edelgard’s cheek, not flinching at the stain of tears, “You won’t go through this alone. I always keep my promises.” 

Edelgard kept silent for a few moments; she couldn’t tell if she wanted to smile or cry, and so she eventually submitted to both. 

A warm embrace - safe and gentle and strong, enveloped her - and not a moment too soon. She thought to herself as she heard the faint sound of her Professor humming that they had both weathered a storm at this very moment.


End file.
